Im writing to you with a moral and ethical dilemma that has weighed heavily on me, and I would truly value your perspective.
Years ago, when I was married, my then-wife and I adopted a beautiful baby boy. Unfortunately, we divorced just before he turned 2. Despite the divorce, I maintained a close and loving relationship with my son. Initially, I had visitation from Friday through Sunday every week, plus holidays and vacations. When he turned 4, the schedule changed to the standard every other weekend arrangement, which we followed for years.
When my son was around 6, I remarried and a year later had another son. My current wife has always been welcoming and kind to my older son while also respecting that she is his stepmother, not a replacement for his mother. My older son took naturally to being a big brother, and we continued to enjoy our time together as a blended family.
Over the years, my relationship with my ex-wife has been a roller coaster sometimes cooperative and even friendly (we would share dinners as extended family), and at other times strained particularly when I was left out of important decisions regarding our sons health or education.
The relationship deteriorated
Then the pandemic hit, and my ex used it as a reason to deny me visitation, citing concerns about COVID-19 exposure in her household. I did my best to stay connected through FaceTime and calls, but something shifted. By the time restrictions lifted nearly two years later, the relationship with my son had deteriorated. He seemed to pull away entirely. He said he was too busy with school, work, his girlfriend and friends.
Attempts to talk were met with silence or resistance. Ive reached out consistently sending texts, telling him I love and miss him, asking to meet for dinner or even just a call. His responses, when they come, are brief and dismissive. Hes missed my birthday and Fathers Day, and no longer calls or checks in on his grandparents, who are both in poor health.
Ive paid child support consistently, covered his college tuition and provided him with monthly spending money.
Throughout all of this, Ive continued to fulfill my responsibilities. Ive paid child support consistently, covered his college tuition and provided him with monthly spending money. I have saved approximately $40,000 in a custodial investment account in his name, along with $10,000 in a savings account in my name that I had always intended to gift him.
I mention these details not for praise, but to give you a full picture of my emotional and financial involvement. When I remarried, my wife and I discussed the financial responsibilities surrounding my first son. She supported obligations like child support and college expenses. However, she initially expressed discomfort about new assets earned during our marriage being bequeathed to my first son.
Agreement with my second wife
After discussion, my second wife and I agreed that 25% of our total estate would go to my older son, and the remainder to our younger son. At present, our estate is valued at around $3 million. But now I find myself deeply conflicted. I alternate between sadness and anger at the way my son treats me and by extension, my wife and younger son. I have felt invisible, disrespected, and heartbroken.
Ive started to question whether its right to continue including him in my will in such a significant way, particularly when he seems to have emotionally cut me out of his life. Im even considering redirecting the $10,000 savings still in my name to my younger son instead. My wife is supportive of whatever decision I make. She understands how painful this situation has been for me.
I dont want to act out of spite, but I also wonder: is continuing this financial legacy for my older son an expression of love or an act of self-denial? What is the right thing to do here? How does one balance love, disappointment, and fairness, especially when one child remains engaged and the other has seemingly chosen distance?
The Father
Related: At times, the pain is unbearable: My daughter cut me out of her life. Im conflicted do I exclude her from my will?
The 25% sounds fair, given that your son has made it clear he wants to move on with his life, without you being a part of it. Photo: MarketWatch illustration
Dear Father,
Money, ideally, should not cause pain. And it should not be used as a way to cause pain.
Let that be your guiding light.
If you change the name on this custodial account, opened under the Uniform Transfer to Minors Act (UTMA) or the Uniform Gifts to Minors Act (UGMA), you will not be able to change it back. Ultimately, I dont believe it serves us to make financial decisions out of anger or fear or even do so impulsively. But it seems like you have given this a great deal of consideration.
Perhaps part of the reason you set up this account for your firstborn son was to keep the relationship, or the hope of repairing the relationship, alive. And by choosing to put your secondborn son as the account holder, you are finally letting go. Assuming your son is over 18 and has made his decisions, you can free yourself from the constant seesaw of rejection.
Youve done a lot and given him a lot and, while it was inhumane and unfeeling of your ex-wife to use COVID to drive a wedge between you and your son, it sounds like you have made many concerted efforts to reach out to him and show him that you are still his father and still want to maintain and build a relationship. Its not easy, and I cant see it getting easier with time.
Listen to your instincts
But its also natural and right to listen to your instincts. If you feel like you are being taken for a schmuck even taking into account your ex-wifes interference you have a right to those feelings. It takes a lot of courage to reach out again and again and again. Some, perhaps, many fathers in such a position would have given up long ago.
I say that the custodian and savings account represent your efforts to keep this relationship alive because they represent a tiny percentage of your overall wealth, especially given that you are leaving your son 25% of your estate (or nonmarital assets). Given that your and your wifes estate is valued at $3 million, this could be worth hundreds of thousands.
The last thread of connection you have with your firstborn son is your inheritance, and its hard to acknowledge to yourself that you may be done.
If you change your mind about the custodian and savings accounts, you can always set up new ones. You will have your answer when you add your other sons names to them. It will either free you from this trauma because it is a trauma or it will have no effect, in which case I suggest you seek therapy to work through your emotions.
Most therapy is about processing experiences and deciding what action you should take, whether its splitting up with a partner (or not) or deciding to finally allow an estranged child their space and time. From what you say, the last thread of connection you have with your firstborn son is your inheritance, and its hard to acknowledge to yourself that you may be done.
Consider seeing a therapist
Back to my original comment about your guiding light: Most, if not all, of these decisions will be made without your sons knowledge. You can, for a set period of time, maintain his monthly allowance while he is, I presume, studying. You dont have to cause him harm or provoke him in any way by making these decisions about your estate.
Letting go is hard, but I think for your marriage and your mental health, in addition to maintaining a guilt-free relationship with your second son, its a good idea to let go of your firstborn for now, at least. You can revisit it, but the pandemic-era triangulation with your ex-wife has created a toxic situation for you. You need a break.
You have a candid and open line of communication with your second wife, who sounds like a pretty good egg overall. The 25% sounds fair, given that your son has made it clear he wants to move on with his life, without you being a part of it. You can always review that percentage up or down as the years go on. Your final bequest will be your last word on the matter.
It will tell him that you never gave up and, despite everything, did the best you can.
Related: Im conflicted: I have two sons one is a hard worker with kids and the other is a carefree actor. Should I leave the family man more money in my will?
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at [email protected]. Check out the Moneyist private Facebook group, where we look for answers to lifes thorniest money issues. Post your questions, tell me what you want to know more about, or weigh in on the latest Moneyist columns.
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